Beginning Again: Tony
by ShannonSto
Summary: My take on the thoughts of Tony and Michelle during the 4th Season. This is Tony's story. TM, of course.


**A/N:**This is my take on the thoughts and feelings of Tony during the Fourth Season. If a scene doesn't involve Tony, it's not addressed here. A parallel fic features Michelle's feelings. I'm not yet certain if this will be be continued to cover the rest of Season Four, but I have begun working on the hours _after_ the season ended. This particular episode just seemed like the place to start since it was the first featuring both T and M.

**Spoilers: **Seasons One through Four. I live in the land of Denial, where Season Five never happened. It's a beautiful place :-)

**Disclaimer:** Like I said, Season Five never happened, so I clearly don't own anything remotely connected to the show.

"_Some people are more comfortable in Hell."_

_Tony Almeida_

**7:00 PM**

"I used to be married to her." The words were scarcely audible, evidence of the sudden tightening in his chest. It was the psychological equivalent of having the wind knocked out of him. Tony stared at the familiar figure making her way across the floor.

She was neatly dressed, as always, and had straightened her hair. _Permanently? Or just today?_ She carried herself authoritatively. _Perfect. Of course._

He accompanied the Secretary of Defense across the floor to greet her. After all, he was the departing Director, and he was obligated to make the transition as smooth as possible.

There was no greeting. She didn't meet his gaze as she walked briskly. He fell into line behind her, his eyes fixed upon the woman before him. The trio came to a halt at the center work station.

Secretary Heller brought the staff to attention. "For those of you who don't know, this is Michelle Dessler. She'll be taking over as acting Director of CTU effective immediately. Tony, I appreciate you carrying the ball until Michelle got here. Why don't you bring her and everyone else up to speed?"

Tony drew in a breath and began to recite the recent events, "Yes, Sir. Less than an hour ago we discovered that the man responsible for planning today's attacks, Habib Marwan, has been a long-term employee of McLennan-Forster, the third largest defense contractor in the country."

He spoke with his arms folded across his chest and abdomen protectively, his words monotone. Tony didn't notice, but when his arms moved to his sides then back to his chest, Michelle's movements mirrored his.

He continued flatly, offering a concise but complete account and finishing with the electromagnetic pulse bomb.

"Were Jack and Paul able to find anything before the detonation?" It was the first time he'd heard her voice in six months, and, somehow, it still got to him.

It felt like eternity, but soon the impromptu meeting was over. He turned to walk away.

"Tony," Michelle stopped him. _ Oh Christ, what does she want from me? _"I need the access codes for CTU and Division," she stated matter-of-factly.

Yes, of course she would need the access codes. He fished into his pocket and produced the card, holding it out for her. Their fingertips touched ever so slightly as the card changed hands.

"Thank you."

"What do you want me to do?" It seemed on the surface to be an innocuous question, yet it was revelant on many levels.

"Division's sending over a supplemental list of terrorists who supposedly had contact with Habib Marwan. I want you to check any names that have been flagged by other agencies, including overseas."

The task felt like busy work for someone with Tony's expertise and experience. He shifted nervously.

"Given what's happening right now, it doesn't seem like the best use of my time."

"It has to be done," she responded shortly, "and I'd like you to do it."

"Michelle," Tony insisted, "Jack and Paul have information that could be vital to ending this crisis. I should be helping to find them."

She attempted to turn away from him, and he grabbed her arm. "Michelle."

In a flash, her detached professionalism gave way to anger. She pulled her arm back and seethed "The last time I saw you, you couldn't stay sober long enough to keep a job."

"That was six months ago," he defended immediately. His mind jumped to mere hours earlier, when he sat on the sofa, drinking beer from a coffee mug and trying to ignore Jack. He could concede to himself that she had reason to mistrust him personally, but how could she possibly think he'd be careless in his work?

"This is what I need you to do," Michelle stood her ground. "If you don't like it, you can resign."

For a moment, he was tempted to do just that. Why was she making this a power struggle? _They need you,Tony_, he reminded himself._ You have to stick around. _

"I'm gonna need a security clearance."

"I'll make sure you get a level three."

Her cold and dismissive manner cut through him. How had they come to this? He struggled to keep his emotions in check.

"Level three? I used to have a six."

"Right now, all you need is three," she shot back icily, then moved away.

**7:15 PM**

Tony began to work at his station, his head swimming with conflicting emotions. A few hours ago, he hadn't wanted anything to do with CTU, and here he sat in the last place he'd ever imagined, assigned to a menial task. His skills were being wasted. She was letting personal feelings get in the way of doing the best job they possibly could. Couldn't she see that? It was difficult enough to take orders from someone who used to work under him, but to have the orders be insulting--and coming from his ex-wife--was infuriating.

His train of thought was derailed when Curtis summoned Michelle. He turned to see Curtis and Michelle at Sarah's station.

"This chopper's flying through the dead zone. Not one of ours," Curtis informed his boss.

"Police?"

"No," Sarah replied, "not one of theirs, either. I checked."

"We wouldn't have picked it up if it wasn't for its electronic signal," Curtis noted.

"Where's it going?" Michelle asked.

"Straight for McLennan-Forster."

Sarah offered another idea. "Is it possible that it could be some sort of corporate rescue chopper?"

"No," Curtis replied, "they would have given the police their call sign.

Tony mentally sifted through the scenarios, and interrupted. "No, it's on a search and destroy mission," he judged. "A chopper that size carries twenty men, fully armed."

"Who would have sent it?" Sarah queried.

"Whoever set off the EMP," Tony explained. "They're going after Jack and Paul. McLennan-Forster's been training mercenaries for years."

**7:26 PM**

Checking and cross-checking the supplemental list was tedious, but Tony approached it with diligence. They couldn't afford to miss something potentially relevant. From his station, he was aware of something happening with Michelle and Sarah, although he couldn't make out the words. The general gist of the conversation became apparent, however, as security guards escorted Sarah from the building._ Wow_, he thought_, Michelle's not wasting any time establishing her authority._

He continued his assigned task and had nearly reached the end when Michelle's voice called over the intercom.

"Agent Almeida, please come to station six."

_Agent Almeida? _Is that what he was to her now? He supposed he should be happy she hadn't called him "Clerk Almeida."

He reported to his director. "Yeah?"

She faced him. "You'll be working with agents Stiles and Manning for the rest of the day." And then she was done with him. "Edgar, I need you to call up Sarah's protocols. Check the configuration, make sure they're accurate."

"I'll advise internal stations of the personnel change as well," Curtis offered.

"Give me an update first."

He did as instructed. "The zone's still pretty quiet, except for emergency vehicle chatter. There is no sign of Jack or Paul. CTU tac teams are standing by, but the best we can do is spread them around the perimeter and wait for some sign of Jack."

"I think that's a mistake," Tony spoke up. "We should consolidate our teams, be ready to meet strength with strength."

"And where would you place them?" Curtis challenged.

"At the McLennan-Forster Building. Jack won't be far from there." Met with skeptical stares, he elaborated, "Look, he knows we won't be able to find him without help. He's gonna help us by starting a firefight. I know the way he thinks. Now the hostiles would have to break radio silence when they attack. When they do, we can follow the signal straight to where he is."

Curtis remained unconvinced. "He's gonna deliberately engage an entire team of commandos?"

"It's the most efficient way to be found, and he's gonna expect us to be ready for it."

Michelle briefly considered, then announced her decision. "Stick with the original plan. Cover the perimeter."

"Michelle," Tony protested.

"If we send all our troops to one location and you're wrong," she reasoned, "Jack and Paul won't survive an attack. But if we cover the perimeter, we may have a chance to save them. Do it."

Did she really believe it to be the most prudent couse of action, or was she simply determined that he was incompetent? He silently hoped he was wrong, but he couldn't shake the gnawing feeling that she was making a grave mistake. And Jack would be the one to pay.

**7:38 PM**

The placement of the teams was probably not the right play, Tony knew, but it was done as ordered. He glaced across the floor to see Michelle and Audrey discussing something. He quickly turned back to his task at hand.

As if he sensed her presence, he looked up to Michelle coming toward him.

"I got you those perimeter teams you asked for ready to go," Tony told her as she neared.

"Thanks." She paused, then continued, "Tony, look, I just want you to know that just because I overruled you a few minutes ago doesn't mean I don't value your input."

_She probably thinks she's going to placate me. _"Don't patronize me, Michelle."

"I'm not," she told him. "Look, you ran CTU for two years. Anything that you have to say, I will consider seriously."

He wasn't quite certain how to intepret her apparent change in demeanor, so he thought it best to make himself clear. He wasn't a rookie; he knew all the ins and outs of this operation, and he wouldn't be silenced with lives on the line.

"Don't worry. I'm gonna tell you what I think whether you want to hear it or not. All right?" The words came out with more venom than he'd intended, but they got his point across.

She flashed him another look he couldn't classify and responded, "Good."

**7:43**

A frustrated Tony Almeida stared back at the computer screen, as if expecting it to change its mind and not require a password after all. _ Dammit, Michelle, send me looking for a needle in a haystack and don't even give me the clearances I need to search efficiently._

"Tony," Audrey's voice interrupted, "Michelle just said you were doing a search on possible ties to Marwan. May I help?"

"Do you have a sign-on for the server?"

"In Washington?"

"Yeah. It would save me time if I could use it on the search."

"Yeah." He watched as she leaned over the desk and logged onto the server. "There you go."

Who would have thought the daughter of the Secretary of Defense would be one of the few people who didn't attack him, or try to stand between him and doing the best he could to bring down Marwan?

"Anything else?" she asked helpfully.

"Well, it should kick off a few names. You can help me write them down once its done searching."

"Okay, great."

"Searching, please wait..." the screen read. Tony couldn't help but wonder if Audrey's conversation with Michelle a few minutes prior had had anything to do with Michelle's palpable change of heart.

"So, um," he began, "did you tell Michelle what happened today?"

"I said that Jack called you."

"Anything else?"_ Drinking? Jen? _

Audrey caught on quickly. "Well, I didn't say that you were living with anyone, if that's what you mean."

He face contorted into a nervous, forced smile.

"She probably already knows that and I'm sure she couldn't care less," he replied with more conviction than he felt. Somehow, he found himself relieved to know that Audrey hadn't spilled the beans. "So, uh, how are you and Jack faring with him out in the field today?"

"It's different." Her pause indicated to Tony that it wasn't different in a _good_ way. "A lot different than Washington."

"Yeah, it is different. To tell you the truth, I couldn't believe it when I heard that Jack had taken a desk job at DC."

"He said he was happier this way."

"Uh huh," he couldn't disguise his doubt. "Well, you've gotten a chance to see him in both worlds today. You think he'll go back to wearing a suit?"

"After the Hell Jack's been through today, you think he'll wanna come back to this?"

"Some people are more comfortable in Hell," he said softly.

"Are you talking about Jack?" she asked insightfully. "Or yourself?"

He pondered a moment. It was a good question, and he wasn't certain he was comfortable with the answer.

Edgar's voice rescued him.

"I think we found them."

Most of the agents on the floor, including Michelle, Tony and Audrey, gathered around Edgar's station.

"See all those signals on the ground? Each one's a radio, all using the same frequency," Edgar explained.

Tony tried to keep his anger in check as he offered his assssment. "That's because they're planning an attack," he said simply.

"They converge on their location on Flower and Third about a quarter-mile from McLennan-Forster," Stiles said.

Curtis shook his head, an expression of shock clouding his face. "You were right. He's actually drawing them in."

Tony turned his head and locked eyes with Michelle. She had visibly paled, and her face showed that she was acutely aware of the potential seriousness of her mistake._ Damn, Michelle, it doesn't have to be this way. Are you happy now? _He held his tongue; he knew she was already beating herself up over it, and "I told you so" would be counterproductive and petty at this point anyway. Right now they needed to focus on finding Jack and recovering the documents he possessed.

"Infrared's picking up automatic weapon fire outside of the radio transmission," Edgar noted.

"How much longer before our teams get there?" Audrey demanded.

"The ground teams are closest," Curtis answered. "They'll get there first."

"When?"

Curtis frowned. "At least five or six minutes."

Tony gripped the edges of the table and dropped his gaze. Five or six minutes could mean the difference between life and death for his friend.

**7:49**

"The gunfire stopped," Edgar announced.

"Are the teams on site?"

"Not yet."

"McLennan-Forster commandos could have taken over the location," Curtis mused.

Michelle appeared concerned. "Which means they might have taken the information back from Jack and Paul."

The Director decided to go to her office to update Division, while Curtis would take care of notifying the teams on site.

Audrey voiced the concern shared by many at that moment: "If McLennan-Forster won the firefight, what about Jack and Paul?"

"There's no way to tell," Tony told her honestly.

Tony struggled with his emotions. Why was he here if he wasn't going to be allowed to contribute anything of value? He was clearly nothing but an unpleasant distraction for Michelle, and under the circumstances she needed to have her focus solidly on making the right decisions.

**7:54**

Edgar continued to update the group. "CTU personnel are approaching the location."

Agent Lee Castle's voice drifted over the airwaves, informing them that his team were about to engage the hostiles.

"Lee, it's Tony. Are Jack and Paul still alive?"

"Unknown at this point."

"All right, look," Tony said, "The hostiles cannot be allowed to leave the area with the information Jack took from McLennan-Forster. Do you understand?"

"We'll do the best we can."

Lee clearly didn't understand the gravity of the situation, Tony thought. How could he make it more clear?

"No, Lee, listen to me," he emphasized, sounding rather like the leader he once was. "Failure is not an option. That information's what this whole thing's about."

"Roger that."

Several tense minutes passes awaiting word from the teams. At last, Curtis received the call.

"Jack's okay. The team secured the store."

"What about Paul?" Audrey asked anxiously.

"Yeah, he's with him."

"Does Jack have anything from McLennan-Forster?" Tony asked.

"We don't know yet. They're still cleaning up the area." Curtis turned to Edgar, "Stay in touch with the team. Whatever they get from Jack, be ready to work up."

It didn't really surprise Tony Almeida that his first thought was of Michelle; after all, it was his duty to report developments to the Director. And then there was something else he needed to tell her, and he may as well get it over with and not dread it any longer.

As he climbed the stairs to the office, he could see that she was on the telephone. He let himself in and quietly waited until she finished her call.

"Jack and Paul are okay," he told her.

"What about the information?"

"We don't know if Jack has it yet, but even if he does, we don't know that it's gonna bring us any closer to finding Marwan."

"Well, we know that McLennan-Forster's involved. That should yield some leads."

"Well, that's gonna have to be worked up here because McLennan-Forster's computers were all knocked out by the EMP."

"You wanna head that up?"

Her suggestion caught him off-guard. It figured...just when he knew what he needed to do, she was showing him a modicum of respect.

"No," he began slowly, "you know what? You should probably let Curtis handle that."

"All right, I will."

He knew what he needed to say, he just didn't know where to begin. Her expression made him feel that she, too, wanted to say something more. An uncomfortable silence settled in between them as they maintained eye contact.

Michelle was the first to speak.

"I shouldn't have said that earlier about your drinking." Her tone of voice and countenance assured him of her sincerity. She seemed genuinely contrite. "That was out of line. I'm sorry."

Crap. This wasn't how this was supposed to go. Though the remark had stung, it was only because it hit too close to the mark. He had hurt her and destroyed their marriage. They had both made mistakes.

"You don't owe me an apology," he told her softly. He crossed his arms and shifted his weight as if in physical pain. He continued, each syllable more difficult than the one before it.

"My life right now...let's just say I've been better, and, uh, quite frankly...seeing you here today has only made things worse."

He couldn't look at her for more than a moment at a time. She was obviously affected by his words. He hadn't come here to make her cry--he thought he was doing them both a favor. Jesus, the whole thing was such a mess. He needed to get to his point so that they both move forward.

"Look, I'm gonna leave, uh, get out of your hair and let you do your job, all right?"

He turned to leave. He had reached the door and grasped the handle when she spoke.

"No."

A look back at showed her anxiety and pain--not at all what he'd expected to see. Tears were clearly welling in her eyes.

"We can't afford to lose you. Not today."

"You're sure?"

"Yes," she choked out. "Yes, I'm sure."

"All right."

The unspoken was far louder than the spoken. He would stay, and she would allow him to do his job to the best of his ability. They would step around the abundant baggage that lay between them and focus on the task at hand.

He stole a last uncertain look over his shoulder as he descended down the stairs. She was still watching him.

**7:59**


End file.
